As the class start date of my MBA program is approaching, I have begun to get connection requests from my future classmates on LinkedIn as well as virtual hangout invitations the school has put together for the students to become acquainted with each other. As a software engineer with over a decade of experience, I have always taken pride in my problem-solving skills much more than in my interpersonal skills. Although I know creating relationships is a key part of the MBA experience and I’m excited about getting to know my awesome classmates, I feel a little nervous about the upcoming events, because I’m afraid that I’m not as skillful as my classmates at socializing and might not even know what to say. It’s obvious that some prep work is needed to get me ready for any serious networking.
Given that I’m intimidated by the mere mention of networking, you probably wouldn’t believe that I actually like to plan networking events. Perhaps my desire to socialize is fulfilled when talking with people to figure out the details of the event that will best accommodate everyone’s needs. My worst memory of social interaction took place during one of these events that I had planned. As it happens, while everybody was having a great time laughing, joking and playing games on the bus that would take us to a place five hours away, I couldn’t help but lose interest in what was going on and felt left out. To avoid appearing as a reserved type, I desperately wanted to join in on the fun that everybody else was having. However, as time went on, it became harder and harder to get in tune with the high spirits of the surroundings and chime into the conversation. I thought maybe things would go better if I gathered myself and introduced a topic I was interested in, but at that very moment, I was so anxious that my mind went blank. Feeling more and more lonely, isolated, and stupid, I had to close my eyes, pretending to be dozing off in order to prevent my anxiety from being noticed by others, while hopelessly awaiting the bus to reach its destination and end my suffering.
The awkward feeling on that bus has repeated itself many times in my life. Somehow in social gatherings, I often lose interest in what’s going on around me and stay stuck in an internal drama about how negatively other people are judging me, which in turn causes me to feel more disconnected from what’s happening at that moment. Trying to go back to the basics, I ask myself, “What’s the purpose of networking?” It seems to me that at the end of the day, networking is all about meeting and getting to know people, which is essential for us both personally and professionally, because by connecting with another human being, not only do we get to collaborate with each other to achieve a goal, but more importantly, we go beyond our limited selves and discover that we are all in this human experience together. Networking is not to show off and feel good about ourselves, or to give out and collect as many business cards as possible, but to show curiosity and make a connection on a personal level with those we encounter, and going from there, build a relationship that’s nurturing for both parties. We are all born into this world confined in a human body and limited by individual human needs. Only by connecting with something bigger than ourselves can we transcend our limitations and achieve happiness. Making a personal connection and learning about other people’s joy and suffering shed light on our path ahead and allow us to tap into something that is much bigger and richer than our own individual selves.
This brings to mind a pleasant experience I had when taking a bus with my coworkers to attend a team morale activity in a winery—after all, riding on a bus hasn’t always been so dreadful as what was engraved in my memory. Though I had never spoken to the person sitting next to me, somehow, we started to exchange stories and share feelings about the ups and downs of our lives, from events that had happened years ago when graduating from college to very recent ones such as dealing with the loss of a beloved friend and balancing work and life responsibilities. Such encounter helps me see once again that meaningful connections are possible only if we come out of our little shells, show deep curiosity about the person we are interacting with, direct our attention outward instead of inward, and are willing to open up and be vulnerable. We are who we are and the focus I have had on how to carry myself to avoid being negatively judged by others is neither necessary nor helpful.
Having said all that, in social situations, in addition to maintaining an outward focus and showing curiosity about others, we must also be ready to share our own thoughts and feelings, which is something I have learned recently. We all know that “hobby” is a popular topic to warm up conversations, not always effective though, as far as I can see. If you ask about my hobbies, in the past I would regrettably say, “Well, I love to read.” Everyone likes reading, don’t they? It’s too ordinary to warrant any further discussion. Things have changed since I started to write summaries for the books that I have read. As my thoughts get organized through writing, I find that I have been sharing what I have read in depth when talking to people as well as giving book recommendations based on their aesthetic taste and domain of interest. Accordingly, I’m no longer a passive listener, but instead an active contributor to the conversation. It exemplifies that only by better knowing ourselves do we get the capacity to know others and become effective at networking.
After the above reflection on networking, I begin to feel more relaxed about the virtual hangouts. Isn’t it nice that the school has everything set up so that all I need to do is to show up, listen, talk, and have fun? With the relationships that I have built and will be building, I’ll be better prepared to rise up to the challenge of loneliness that we are all born with and live a happier life thereafter.
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