I was super unhappy half an hour ago. My heart sank. My eyes ached. Breathing was a burden. Life was boring and meaningless. There were many activities I could do, but I was too emotionally drained. There had been many events I could be grateful for, but none of them cheered me up. I was so overwhelmed by anxiety that I felt disconnected from everybody and everything. That there seemed no reason to live.
“What do you want to do now?” I asked myself. “Maybe I will write it down.” Right, it could make the last piece for my writing project—I have promised to write ten articles and publish them in a blog. Envisioning that my blog would be fully set up once this final piece was done, I started to feel a little hopeful.
“Lunch is ready!” My husband was calling.
“Isn’t it nice to have lunch on your table without having to lift a finger about it?” I thought to myself.
“Would you like to watch the Olympic Opening Ceremony while we have lunch?” he asked.
“No, I’m thinking about something to write.” I had never hesitated to say no to him.
“OK. I’m not going to bother you. But don’t forget to eat. By the way, do you want me to squeeze some orange juice for you?”
It was on the tip of my tongue that I had already gained a lot of weight and absolutely didn’t want more of it, but I was glad that I didn’t let it out.
Now here I am, feeling much better, almost back to normal—I’m not a very cheerful person by default. Following my own suggestions in “How Writing Can Help Reduce Anxiety,” I’m going to go over a series of stressful events in the past two weeks, that has led to my anxiety outbreak, and see what I can learn from them.
First of all, I didn’t know setting up a blog could be so time consuming. I’m always inclined to make simple things complicated, and this was no exception. Instead of simply registering an account on a publishing platform like medium.com and starting to post right away, I purchased a domain, hosted my own website and planned to customize everything to my preference. Even though I knew a long time would pass before anybody else, other than my friends, paid a visit to my blog, I spent a lot of time figuring out the GDPR and privacy policy requirements. Furthermore, I had to call Office support several times to set up a domain email, because my domain hadn’t been properly released by another Office account that I had messed up with earlier. Each obstacle I ran into made me angry both at myself, because it was caused by my obsession in making every detail perfect, and at the stupid tools that I used.
Secondly, it gave me headaches to switch my daughter to another class in her ballet school for the upcoming school year. In order to accommodate her soccer class, I called the ballet school multiple times to request a transfer between classes and they always replied that a decision would be made on the following day. Thank goodness, my daughter was transferred on the 5th day I called, and my terrible feelings—hating myself bothering the school with calls one after another, and hating the school not doing what they said—finally paid off.
Thirdly, I was very nervous about an upcoming dental surgery. During the consultation visit, I only had a brief talk with the doctor—despite a long wait before seeing him—and he didn’t bother to allow adequate questions. Because I was not able to build a connection with him, I didn’t feel comfortable with him operating on me, but at the same time I questioned why I couldn’t simply have more trust in others, this doctor included.
Of course, there are other things, such as my procrastination at work despite upcoming deadlines, my poor attitude towards my children, which has made them confused and me guilty, and again my gaining weight every hour and every day as I sit by this stupid desk. And this is far from an exhaustive list.
How did I save myself from all these unpleasant events and negative emotions? Shopping! When nothing was able to cheer me up, not my work, or my dream, or my relationships, I felt so stuck that I needed instant gratification to help me climb out of the slump. At that moment, it was my desire to wear some expensive clothes that came to my rescue. I went straight to my favorite brand, and with the help of an awesome sales representative, broke my single-day spending record on apparel. And you know what, I was being altruistic—I bought two more pieces than I had intended to, so that the salesperson could qualify for a special incentive at her shop. Although it will be years before I have a chance to wear some of the clothes I have purchased, they have lifted my spirits and motivated me to stay fit.
Now that I have recounted my terrible experiences and feelings, it’s clear to me that they are just exemplifications of my lack of self-acceptance, which I have been dealing with for years. Had I embraced my detail-oriented mindset when setting up my blog, appreciated my persistence in following up with the ballet school, and accepted my feeling that the dental surgeon was not someone I could yet trust, what happened to me in the past couple of weeks wouldn’t have made me so miserable—after all, they were just problems and problem-solving is the one thing that I have a knack for. A friend once suggested, “It’s arrogant of you to believe that you are in full control of yourself.” I agree that there is something much larger that plays a part in everything and everyone—even our own behavior is under the influence of external circumstances and our internal subconsciousness, both of which are out of our control. And if we try to fight with our natural tendencies, most of which are beyond our control, we will be stuck in a perpetuating never-ending battle, a battle I know only too well. But old habits are hard to break. Despite my efforts on self-care and self-nurturing all these years, I still find it hard to fully accept myself, my behaviors, and the choices I have made; I still behave as if my tiny brain could change the course of things, if only it worked harder and smarter; and I still judge and criticize that little girl in me relentlessly, ignoring how badly hurt she is.
What about a little distance and humor? Like, the other day after having a haircut, I asked my daughter, “How do you like my short hair?” She thought for a second and said, “Oh yeah, you look like Aiden’s dad!” My husband couldn’t help but chuckle, “A little bit.” OK. Perhaps sharing gender pronouns does matter and I should make it clear that my preferred ones are “she, her, hers.”
Have I mentioned that during the emotional turbulence in the past couple of weeks, I finished reading “Excellent Sheep: The Miseducation of the American Elite and the Way to a Meaningful Life” by William Deresiewicz, which has given me some breathing space and kept me sane? This is definitely a must-read for all parents, and I wish our children would be blessed with a life more meaningful than ours. Meanwhile, I said to the little girl in me, very gently, “You read a book. Kudos to you.”
This is not my first anxiety outbreak, nor is it the last, as far as I see. However, Albert Einstein says, “In the midst of every crisis, lies great opportunity.” I believe the only cure to anxiety is to leverage it as a tool to learn about and improve ourselves. Chances are that after each anxiety episode is over, we will come out a little stronger than before, stronger than we otherwise would be.
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